Compromising in a Marriage

Husband Quote: 
Relationships are 
worth fighting for,
but you can't be the

only one fighting
I watch a lot of reality television and I always love the story line behind every relationship, because every couple is so unique.  

Sometimes, it's hard to believe we all have so many things in common with celebrities or from the couples we see on reality television, but we actually do.  

For example, in every relationship, whether you are dating, courting, or married, the number one goal is to live a happy life together.  Another goal we share, is to have our spouse get along with everyone
in our circle. 

I was watching the season finale of a reality television show called Jim and Chrissy Vow or Never on WE TV and they couldn't make up in their minds if they wanted to get married.  That’s basically what the show was centered around.

To give you a little background information about Jim and Chrissy…Chrissy is Jim’s long time girlfriend.  She has been with him for several years now.  So, when the topic of marriage came up, this was not something that sprung up out of the blue or at the last minute.  And just like this show, they had been involved in other reality shows as well.  As a matter of fact the topic of marriage seemed to always follow them no matter what reality television show they were on.  

Here’s The Issue: Chrissy's Side of the Story
Husband Quote:
Sometimes in marriage
you have to compromise.
 It's better to bend a littlethan to
 break a loving relationship
Chrissy feels Jim is not being truly committed in the dating part of their relationship and so she questions whether or not he will have these same commitment issues when they get married.  Issues like going to the strip clubs, coming home at indecent hours of the night, not cleaning up after himself, hanging out with the wrong friends, and lets not forget his mother shows up at their home unannounced.  These few little issues created huge unresolved issues in Jim and Chrissy's relationship.  

For me on the outside looking in, these issues would not have been so big to handle if they would have address them head on, instead of laying them by the way side.  Chrissy tried to address the issues she was having with Jim, but for some reason Jim couldn't find ways to work out the issues within himself, which lead him not to be able to work them out in his relationship to Chrissy. 

Jim's Side of the Story
A great relationship 
doesn't happen, 
because of the love you 
had in the beginning.  
But how well you 
continue building love 
until the end.
Jim had some issues with Chrissy too.   He didn't like that Chrissy wasn't cooking every night.  He also wanted her to get along better with his mama and just like Chrissy's issues are very minor, I feel like Jim's issues are too.  However, I will say I believe Chrissy’s issues are way more important than Jim’s.  

Now before you jump on me about taking sides, know that I am not taking Chrissy's side, but I do feel like Jim could have bought Chrissy some cook books to help her be more creative in cooking.  And now a days there are so many books about how to build relationships and in this case all Jim had to do was find Chrissy a self help book to build a better relationship with his mom.  If it took counseling to mend their mother and daughter relationship, then fine, but just the fact that Jim is supporting Chrissy would have scored him so major brownie points with Chrissy.   Chrissy would have felt, Jim heard her concerns and this would have made her feel they were moving somewhat in a better direction. 

In The End
Jim said he was ready to get married, which was shock to me, but Chrissy on the other hand was not.  In all honesty, I feel Chrissy made a great decision. Even though she knew this man could take care of her for the rest of her life and she loved him so much, she didn’t allow those things to pursue her and cause a distraction to force her to get into a marriage that she may later regret. 

Jim was of course very upset, I mean who wouldn't be.  He actually took out the time and bought a ring, got down on one knee, and said the words will you marry me, which is what many women long to hear.  However, he couldn't even take a small step to compromise towards what Chrissy really wanted in the relationship, so how was he able to make this big commitment.  Was he proposing, because he felt the pressure or was it out of pure love?  
A woman can't change
 a man, 
because she loves him.  
A man changes himself, 
because he loves her.
Marriage can't thrive 
on left over attention.  
It has to get your best effort.

In my honest opinion, it was a little bit of both.  If I was Jim's and Chrissy's marriage counselor I would first tell Chrissy to not expect for Jim to change, unless he wants to change.  No amount of love or money can make someone change.  I know she feels time apart will help him be more clear on what he wants and maybe it will, but don't count on time apart to be a solution to help resolve the issues.  Time does heal, but separating and then coming back together in the hopes that time being a part from one another is going to fix their issues, is the wrong way to go about fixing any issues.

Secondly, I would tell her that the way she desires for her marriage to be is not a wrong desire to have.  She should not compromise on her desires.  Instead they both should come to a happy medium that is good for Jim and her.  

Jim expressed he had no plans on changing.  Well, I would let him know, it doesn't sound like Chrissy is trying to change you.  However, it doesn't sound like ,you are willing to
Don't give up on your marriage. 
Being a great spouse takes time.
bend just a little bit to help the relationship.  So, it makes you seem selfish.  Jim you have to be willing to be that guy that Chrissy fell in love with and to continue to learn to adjust to both of your lifestyles as you travel this journey together.  
Marriage is a journey.  You will travel that journey together and just like your body changes with age, your priorities and mindset will will change as you grow old with this person.


Compromising in My Marriage
Comprising in marriage is so hard for so many couples.  It use to be hard for me, until I realize having a compromising relationship is healthy for my husband and I, and not hurting us.  I believe a lot of people feel their needs won't be met if they compromise.  That they will be at the mercy of their spouse to determine whether or not they will get the happiness and fulfillment they are seeking in a marriage.
First, let's just clear up that compromising is not you giving into everything your spouse wants, desires, or thinks they need.  It's really about coming to a happy medium.  For example, my husband loves to have a home cook meal.  I don't like to cook every night.  Therefore, I cook every other night.  This not only gives him what he wants, but it gives me a peace of mind too.

Here's another example....We don't have a television in our bedroom.  We use to, but in our new home we don't.  I want one in the bedroom, my husband doesn't.  He says it takes from the intimacy and conversation in the bedroom.  Listening to him say these things, helps me to understand that having that intimacy and conversation in the bedroom is very important to him.  Just like many married couples we view the bedroom as sacred and what goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.  So, it actually makes sense to leave out all distractions.

At one time my husband had a problem with cellphones being brought in the bedroom, but  I can't live without my cellphone.  So what I do is, I try not to get on it first thing in the morning.

From both situations, you can see that we are both compromising.  For me, compromising was understanding why he felt like the television and cellphone was a distraction in the bedroom.  Those two things could have easily started an argument.  Something, so minor, but if I had not been willing to listen to his concerns, those issues could have turned into something so major.  We could have argued to the point where nothing was resolved.

Husband you changed 
my life without even trying . 
 You mean the world 
to me.  I can't imagine what 
things would be 
like if I hadn't met you.
One important thing to remember when compromising in your marriage, is you have to choose your battles.  I'm not saying my husband and I easily compromise all the time, because we don't.  Sometimes, I have to give him time to think about the things I want from him.  It may take a couple of times for him to understand how serious I am about something I really want to happen.  Does it make me upset waiting until he finally gets it...Yes!  And by the way I hate repeating myself sometimes, but I know that he is his own person and no matter how much I want for something to happen, he has to want it too.

From my husband 's perspective, he is very vocal about what he wants to happen.  Me on the other hand, I will lead by example.  Meaning, before I say anything to him sometimes, I will show him, before I will say something that may be bothering me.  A lot of the times this works, but sometimes, he doesn't get it and I have to say something.

Some people search
 their whole 
lives to find 
what I found in you.
For example, when it's time to wash his work cloths, they do not be in the dirty clothes hamper like they are suppose to..  Instead, some may be in his work truck, on our room floor, on the bathroom floor, tucked in the couches in the living room, and if I'm lucky I may find one uniform in the hamper.  So, when it's time to wash his work clothes, I wash what I can find.  On certain days of the week he wants to wear a certain pair of work pants and can't find them with his other clean uniforms in his drawer.  His first response is, where did I put his clothes.  I proceed to tell him, I washed what I found laying around.  Well, as you can imagine this could so easily lead to an argument.  He swears I'm hiding his work clothes. So, to cut down all confusion, I have asked him to wash his own work clothes.  That may seem harsh, but I don't get the blame for something I didn't do.

So, some some declarations, I want you to remember when Compromising in a Marriage:
One
Compromise is not about losing.  It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do.

Two
The best things to learn in life is the habit of compromise, because it's better to bend a little, than to break a loving relationship.

Three
A woman can't change a man, because she loves him.  A man changes himself, because he loves her. 

Fourth
A great relationship about two things.  First, appreciating the similarities and second respecting the differences.

Fifth
Immature people always want to win an argument, even at the cost of a relationship.  Mature people understand that it's always better to lose an argument and win a relationship.


Compromising is not a bad thing.  Some people try to say they will never compromise, but in this marriage of mines compromise is a must.  Keep in mind that everyone's marriage is different.  Somethings, that my husband and I compromise about in our marriage, may not be that serious in your marriage.  

Also, remember compromising is not all about taking.  You have to give what you take.  My husband is more of a giver than a taker, so it is a lot easier for me to compromise.  

Another thing to remember is lead by example in compromising.  Be the example of how you would resolve a compromising problem in your marriage.  Sometimes, in order for a compromise to be establish, it starts with you.  You can't force your spouse to want to compromise.  It is a mutually agreement and understanding.    

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